Christmas blog

Vic got me an iPad for Xmas so I wanted to see how easy it would be to type up a blog post....so far so good. I'm getting some errors but the iPad is automatically fixing them. Very fun! We had such a nice Christmas. Bth families came over and Lisa and brad came with their new baby. We had tons of food and I had my grandbabies here, really nothing better in the world than those babies. Of course, we also celebrated vic's birthday. My husband...we've had our rough times but man he really is such a great guy. I'm a lucky woman and I know it. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him and love him. I don't have any words of wisdom today just a grateful heart and a full stomach! Thank you to all my family and friends and to God for taking care of all of us and blessing us with so much more than we deserve. I hope everyone has a wonderful day and a very happy new year!

After Thanksgiving thank you

Wow...what a great holiday we had!!  Thanksgiving was wonderful as always, I was totally tired.  I woke up at 6:45 to start cooking and my turkey didn't even turn out that good...hmmmm...not sure why.  My mom's was great though, so it's always good to have two turkeys.  I woke up the next day and started cleaning up.  Something very strange happened while I was "mopping" the hardwood floors, I actually started crying.  I was crying because I love my house, because at that moment, I was sooooo happy with my life.  I was so filled with satisfaction at how my life was at that moment...cleaning up after thanksgiving with my family, being Victor's wife, being Daniel and Leanna's grandmother and tons of other stuff that I was thinking and it just flooded it out in tears of happiness.  Time and life have such a mysterious way of making everything better.  But also with time and life, we have to consciously make the decision to start making choices that are good for our health, our spirits, our minds.  We always sow what we reap and we have to plant good things and rip out the weeds.  I remembered how I felt the same time last year and how sad and lost I was...I just can't believe the miracle that my life is at the same time this year.  So I suppose and I have to believe that time and life is that way for everyone.  If you're feeling down, lost, dark...etc., start doing things today that will put your future in the best possible track now.  Start eating healthier, start being good to more people, stop bad habits whether it's overeating, being envious, being bitter, being lazy, being regretful...whatever it is.  Stop or start today.  I just can't wait to see how next year's Thanksgiving day after will look now that I've learned so many life lessons this past year!!  How exciting.  Thank you Lord.

Oh no...it's a POEM!

I wrote a few poems when I was young, but haven't written one in....oooooo....25 years...if not longer?  So I was inspired the other day to write this poem.  Maybe I'll write songs one of these days ;)

So here it is...if anyone reads this and likes it, I would REALLY want to hear about it.  Or if you read and you don't like it, Id like to know that too!

I awoke with a start,

Looking around to see

I had been living in a dream

Now I have reality.

At first, I felt fear and self-pity

Not understanding why it happened to me.

Reality seemed so grey and bland,

I felt I was in a not-so-funny comedy.

Sing song voices, dreams so deep

I kept feeling like I was waiting

For something to happen, to see a purpose

To my darkness and yet my ultimate protecting.

I now see light and love in this horizon

No more fleeting stars and things glittery.

What I have now is so much better,

After waiting and so much forgetting...I remembered me.

I hope everyone has a blessed and lovely day!

Things I've learned for our Anniversay

Tomorrow is our 9th year anniversary...wow!  I have to say it's been a wonderful, hard, short, long, sweet, sad, crazy, exciting, boring...etc. 9 years.  I look back today and see how much both of us have changed.  Especially this past year.  All I can say is thank you to my wonderful husband, Vic, and tell him that I'm so thankful for how he has supported and been there for me throughout the most terrible year of my life.  The most terrible year of both of our lives.  However, as bad as it was, I can also say it has been the best year of my life...how crazy is that??!!  Everything has such a double edge to it.  The harder something seems to be, the more you get out of the experience.  Life is just weird that way.  This year has been the best because I've learned so much.
I've learned that life is hard, EVERYONE's life is hard at one time or another (or for some it seems to always be hard) and our role in this life is to make someone's road that much easier when we cross paths.  Yes, we are all crazy in one way or another, and to different degrees, but we should try and see past the craziness and see the humanity in each other and try to just make it that much easier for each other.  Let's not give in to the easy way...by criticizing, by being mean, by trying to force our perspective on one another...let's just try to remember that we have no IDEA what that person might be going through and that we don't have to be one more stumbling block on their road this day.
I've also learned that we reap what we sow.  NO matter what, whether good or bad.  If you put work into something, it will pay back.  If you don't give of yourself, you will get nothing in return.  If you give of your all, you will get it all back and more.  Trust me, this is true.  Just give and see if it doesn't work!
Another thing I've learned, is that God loves us more than we will ever know.  I'm still trying to wrap my brain around a little bit of this ocean of thought.  It is too grand for me, too awesome and I will never understand it... but I do know that He loves us.  For so much of this year, I was in anguish over the thought that He was not on my side.  That He was this grand comedian, playing with me.  How horrible is that thought?  I know...horrible.  Slowly but surely, though, I've come back again and remembered again that I am LOVED by the great Creator.  That He has me in his hands and will not let me fall.  Even though He does discipline those He loves, He will always be our protector as well.  What an awesome thing to know and believe again!  It's very lonely and scary when you don't believe you are protected by God.
I've learned that Love really does conquer all.  When we were married, some of the verses that were read was 1 Corinthians 13.  I now see and know that these verses are so true.  True love is great, but TRIED and true love is the ultimate.  So I'll finish this post with the verses and pray that no matter what, that whoever reads this has Love in their life and that you take the time to thank God for that Love and let it rain blessings over you today.  God Bless.

13:1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, [1] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; [2] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Getting lost

I realize that I haven't blogged in a while...just no inspiration, no ideas, no clear path.  So, I guess I'm a little lost.  I say a little, because I'm nowhere close to being where I was about 10 months ago, when I was in total darkness, lost, consumed by nothing.  But today, right now, I just feel a little lost.  This time, though, I don't think it's such a bad thing.  What happens when you get lost?  You ask around for directions, you look for landmarks, you experience new things, you find paths that you've never traveled before...you even might get distracted, for a time, from that which you were trying to get to.  You get distracted by something interesting, a beautiful scenery, an interesting person you might meet.  I think that's where I might be right now.  I will have to look around my life a little more to appreciate those types of distractions... because even though I might not be exactly where I think that I should be, I still have my familiar landmarks.  Kind of like the mountains of El Paso.  Where, no matter where you go in this city, you can still look up and know if you're east, west, north or south of those mountains.  You might not know what street you're on, but you know if you just head in the right direction you'll eventually get to I-10.   So I'll look up for now.  I  know where God is, I know where Victor is, I know where my family is and where my friends are and I'll just keep heading forward and enjoy the scenery here in "a little lost" for a while more.  I will believe that even know I may not know exactly where I'm at...I do know that I'll eventually get back on the right path, right back to me.

Forrest Gump

I was watching Forrest Gump yesterday and I was mesmerized at how deep this movie is!  I have never seen it quite the way I saw it yesterday.  Forrest is the "perfect human being".  Why do I say this?  Because he lives in every moment.  He is a person of strong character and virtue...he always just makes the right choice no matter the cost, the pain, the fear, the rejection.  Take for example, when those kids are going to beat him up and Jenny shouts "run, forrest, run!"  Forrest just turns to look at her and then just runs...he runs and runs until he is free from his leg braces and then he runs the rest of his life.  Another scenario, is when he graduates from college and most of us would take time off to celebrate (which there is nothing wrong with celebrating our successes), but he gets drafted and the next moment he's off on a bus to basic training.  Forrest just does what he is told (like we should when God speaks to us) and things just seem to turn out well.  Yes, he goes to war and is scared, his buddy dies and he cries, he loves Jenny and she doesn't love him back...but he soldiers on and on...doing the right thing every time.  In contrast, we have Jenny.  She is just so messed up from her childhood, she doesn't have the first clue of who she is.  She is constantly making the wrong choice, or a better way to put it...tries to keep hammering a square peg in a round hole...so she is in constant pain, miserable...a failure.  That's what happens to us, when we keep making the wrong choice.  For some reason, we are prone and attracted to, be rebellious.  We want what is bad for us, we crave all the bad things, we desire those things that will destroy us.  We have to ask the Lord for strength.  Whatever it is we're battling...sin, overeating, laziness, feeling sorry for ourselves, blaming others, not appreciating the life we have...whatever it is, just start (or keep on) making the right choice.  At first it's hard but once you start making choosing the right thing it starts feeling consistent, it becomes a habit and eventually you wouldn't have it any other way.  It's like when you start eating healthy.  At first you miss that bag of hot cheetos but after a while, when you've cut out most of the fried, processed, unhealthy foods from your diet....those hot cheetos don't taste nearly as good as they used to...and voila! you don't crave them anymore.  Life is going to happen to us no matter what.  However, God tells us that when we do it his way, HE prepares the way before us and we don't have to worry about tomorrow.  When we are in His will, the only "work" we have is to enjoy (imagine that!) today, take pleasure in the life that we are living at this moment and show to others the light we have in our souls by being good, kind, compassionate and giving to others.  He doesn't want us worrying about tomorrow, He will take care of us.  What a wonderful God we serve!  He loves us, wants only the BEST for us and it's our job to believe that and just make the right choice.

Physical - Hi My Name is Lili and I am an...

So this weekend was the first weekend of Lent and we decided to give up alcohol for Lent....aaaauuughhh!!  What the heck were we thinking!!!  I have to blame it all on me because I was the one who first said that I would give it up and then, Victor, being the good husband and Catholic that he is said "sure baby, I'll give it up with you!"  He's such a cool guy...
I have to admit that on Friday I was not even looking forward to the weekend.  I kept thinking, "what the heck are we going to do??"  I know this sounds pretty pathetic, but we really use beer to help us have a good time at dinner, a club or just at home watching Sopranos or Weeds episodes.  We're just social alcoholics that way.  So we went to work out on Friday and then had some fish soup at Ciro's.  So Friday was good.  Then Saturday comes along and I had to go to a women's conference where my boss gave a great speech (you go girl!) and I have to admit that waking up early and not feeling the effects of a late night sure felt good!  We then had a nice pizza lunch at Ardovino's (I was this close to ordering a glass of wine) and then we went to a movie (Werewolf kind of sucked).  Sunday then comes around and I woke up early again and we went to go eat breakfast and then I had to go to work for a quick emergency.  Soooo, did I miss drinking?  Yes I sort of did, but truth be told, I kept thinking that I really want to consecrate myself to God this lenten season and I really think giving up the booze will help me in that quest.  I have other issues that really need my clarity and a better physical fitness level and I think that the Lord has not asked something of me that is not really going to benefit tremendously in the long run.  We tend to use beer as self medication sometimes (ok, maybe most of the time) and it's been a long time since I haven't used it as a numbing agent (the last time I quit was when I was pregnant last May and that felt nice), so it'll be nice to really know that I'm not using a mental or physical crutch to get me through the remnants of my "low periods".  Vic and I watched "The Notebook" together this evening and I really enjoyed the talk we had afterwards.  I told him that I had felt that I'd forgotten who I was when I was going through my darkness and that's a terrible thing for anyone to go through.  I remember the first time I saw that movie and I remember not liking it very much...I was super mad at her for not remembering her husband.  What a dummy I was!!  I've become very empathetic lately and I pray for anyone who has a mental illness of some sort.  I'm just glad that maybe by giving up drinking and being up for a "chick flick", when we otherwise probably wouldn't have watched it since we aren't normally up for stuff like that....that we will grow closer to each other and to God.  It's nice to know we don't need alcohol to loosen us up to have nice, deep conversations like the one we had.  It was a very nice Sunday evening and I'll be perky and rested for Monday.  Bring it on!!

Spiritual - That was yesterday

I started taking some training to become a CASA volunteer.  This organization provides guardian ad litums for abused and neglected kiddos.  A guardian ad litum is a person who acts as the voice of the kiddo and recommends to the court where they think they should be placed after doing their own investigation.  At first, I was really apprehensive and scared to take on this type of responsibility.  I guess through all the darkness that I'd been through, I was scared to get into someone else's darkness, even though that someone was an innocent victim, and helpless...unlike me.  I started praying and asking the Lord for guidance.  He kept telling me that He was with me, that something so helpful wouldn't be bad for me...that my responsibility, as a child of God, was to "visit widows and orphans in their time of trouble" (James 1:27).  So I went to the training.  I have to admit that I had to keep telling myself that I was in a safe place with good people and that everyone there was just trying to help.  I kept feeling so scared and almost felt like I was kidding myself that I would be able to help anyone, knowing what I had just come out of in my own life.  But I kept on.  At one time during the training we were being instructed on staying objective and understanding that we need to see things from all angles and not bring our preconceived notions or values to the situation.  We were shown a drawing of a room where the mom was sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette...all the while her home was in disarray, her kiddos were seemingly unattended to and the dad had just returned home.  We were asked to look at the picture and only point out the good things that we saw.  There was fruit in the bowl, so I suppose she gave her kiddos good nutrition.  There was a puzzle in pieces on the floor, so hopefully that meant that the kiddos were mentally stimulated.  One of the kiddos was reaching his arms up to the returning dad, so obviously the baby had a bond with him and happy that he was home.  This little exercise really worked a number on my spirit and my brain.  I kept thinking, "I'm not equipped at this time, to be discerning (which at one time I thought I had that gift of the spirit) and this is going to make me useless in my role". I almost felt a panic attack come on and during the break, I told the instructor that I probably wouldn't come back, that I thought I couldn't do a good job.  I started crying and she probably thought I was a bit crazy.  But she was very sweet and told me not to worry ...that they cried all the time over the situations that they encounter.  That although it was hard to see the kids going through such a hard time, that this was all worth it when they saw the kids go on to have a good home, whether it was back with their families or adoption.  So I went to lunch and I prayed and asked for guidance.  The Lord is so good and so gentle.  He gently nudges us on to be brave and to have courage (Psalm 27:14 Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD).  So I went back and I really enjoyed the rest of the trainings.  I received my case this past week and have been praying for my kiddos who I haven't met.  Last night I had a dream that I was taking them and their mom to their grandmas house.  I dreamt that there was a baby that couldn't keep his head up and I was leery of leaving them there.  I really don't remember the rest of the dream but I woke up just thinking about them and how I'll be able to help them, if only by praying for them always.  I guess the story here is that we should never be afraid to help others.  Even though we might think that we are helpless or who are we to think that we can make a difference...the truth is that we can.  I was at Starbucks yesterday and that song came on "Lean on me, when you're not strong.  I'll be your friend...We all need somebody to lean on."  This morning I needed a friend and not only was the Lord with me, he provided my Victor, who is always there...to let me cry all I wanted to, until it was all out and I felt so much better.  I hope that one day I can look back on these kiddos and see that God let me be their friend.  That he let me be someone they could lean on and that when they cried for help, I listened.  I want to be there for them when it was yesterday and they can now move on to tomorrow. 

Mental - Who needs a perfect life, when we have perfect gifts?

I've had a tough weekend and now a tough start to my Monday when it comes to Mental strength.  I guess I never realized that our minds can be as flabby as our guts and that if exercised consistently and willfully that we can get stronger and stronger...but it freakin hurts.  It hurts to know that you're not as strong as you hoped you were, or as strong as people think you are.  The word says to think on things that are lovely, pure, just, honest...etc.  However, it's so much easier to let our minds wander, help us feel sorry for ourselves, be afraid, be weak...sleep through life.  We need to be brave, we need to get up and face this coming day and whatever it brings, we need to realign our thinking and realize that we have is good and we need to appreciate whatever circumstance we're in.  Because if we don't, guess what happens?  We will never be able to appreciate any circumstance we find ourselves in...we will always be waiting for that better job, more money, happier day, better life.  That will never come, the life we have now is the one we need to enjoy and let's face it we do have a good life.  No matter what troubles we have...we can think of things that we wouldn't trade for anything in this world.  For me, it's Victor, my family, my son and daughter-in-law....my Daniel.  Thank you Lord for everything that I have...because I know that every good and perfect gift is from you.

Physical - Magic Pill

I woke up today and thanked the Lord for a vacation day....ahhhh a day off.  My first thought was "I don't feel like doing anything today!"  Just veg out for a while, wait for Victor to come home from practice, go see that new movie "Book of Eli" and eat a tub of popcorn...butter free, of course ;-).  Then a little thought crept into my mind, what about doing some yoga?  Hmmmm...I started telling myself a bunch of excuses...it's my vacation day, I ran on Saturday, I'll do it tomorrow....I just don't feel like it!  *pout*  Then I started praying and I could hear my wonderful Lord telling me, Lili, what's going on?  Why do you not want to grow today, why would you waste one single day of your God given life to spend it not getting healthier!  I asked for forgiveness, put on some yoga pants (I love yoga pants, I think that's the reason I wanted to do yoga, just for the excuse of buying them) and put on this great yoga video called "long and lean yoga" with Baron Baptiste.  It's a tough routine, it strength trains you and you are shaking within the first five minutes of the sequence...it's great!  Throughout the routine, I sometimes thought, "hurry up Baron, your sweet soothing voice, is just getting on my nerves, already!"...but then that magical moment came when the end of the video comes, he gets you into this beautiful relaxed sitting position and you breathe in and out and you smile at yourself for doing it just one more day.  So then I'm sitting there, all happy and this other thought creeps into my mind..."why don't you go for a run? Just a 2 mile run, short and sweet? Hu...let's do it"  I open my eyes and wonder if that was me talking to me.  I start getting the urge to feel guilty about not running.  And that's when it hits me.  Balance Lili.  Everything is about balance.  Why do we go to one extreme and then another?  At first I don't even want to exercise and then the other moment I want to do a 45 minute yoga routine and then run!!  Craziness.  That's how we get lost, we forget about how to enjoy and appreciate what we have because we either don't work to get it, or once we have it we want more! 

Remember, always be good to yourself. Whether it's eating oatmeal with blueberries instead of a donut, or telling yourself you did a good job today by taking a walk instead of telling yourself how fat you look in those jeans.  Take it one day at a time.  It is hard work, but it can really be simple.  Just choose the best thing most of the time, meal by meal, exercise by exercise.  Pray about it and ask the Lord to give you balance in your eating habits and your exercise habits and most of all LISTEN. Listen to Him and listen to your body, they'll let you know the right path.  Also...it's all about consistency, there is no magic pill.  Only magical moments.

Post for Christie

Good day everyone.  This post is really just an informational one for my beautiful sister Christie.  She was telling me about her back pain and I've really felt a burden for her and I will pray for her and ask that anyone who reads this post will pray for her as well.  I found this video on youtube and it targets backpain and your core.  My sis will love this.  Also, look up mountain pose (this is my favorite pose!!) and do that one.  I hope it helps you Chris and anyone else who is having back problems.  Love you, Lili

Spiritual - Learning new routine

We were at the gym today and I was so happy because I had just finished my run and I was looking forward to stretching out.  So I go to the mat and do a "downward dog" pose and I think about doing this yoga post run stretch routine I found at Runnersworld.com 
and I was looking forward to using the routine.  Hmmm....what was the first pose?  Did she say pigeon pose...where does my leg go?  As much as I tried I could not remember the routine.  So I had to stretch with some of my familiar stretches and although they felt good, I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed that I couldn't use the new routine.  There's so many things in our lives that we should really invest time into so that when we need to use it, it's readily available to us.  The most important of these things, to me, is my spiritual life.  There is no "faking it, until you make it" clause when it comes to God.  We either really try to spend time with Him everyday, in whatever manner He has chosen to reveal Himself to us (I use prayer, bible reading, meditation) and grow in our spiritual life, however little that may be, each day...or we don't grow and find ourselves feeling restless, bored, unmotivated, sad or just fed up with life.  When all along He tells us, "ask and you will recieve, knock and the door shall be opened to you."  He wants to give us the life that we all know is better than the one we have, but we don't give the time needed to be able to gain that life.  Just like my yoga routine....how could I have thought that it was going to help me if I only watched it once and didn't commit it to memory.  If I want to know the routine, I have to spend time looking at it, maybe writing it down, committing it to memory...so that when the next time comes and I want to use...I'll be able to remember it and take all the pleasure that I know it will provide.  So it is the same with God.  We need to spend time getting to know Him and learning about Him, so that when the time comes that we need Him during the day...He will be there in verses that we have committed to memory, in prayers that make us feel close to Him or any other way that helps us feel close to him.

Relational - There's always 3 sides

I was doing my yoga after my run last night...I'm not sure why, but yoga and running just go hand in hand, (I hope to understand why this is one of these days) and I was doing this triangle pose.  This pose is a little misleading because, to me, it seems like a pretty easy pose to maintain...but it wasn't .  You have to be balanced on all 3 limbs to be able to stare at your hand above your body up to the "sky".  At first, I was getting impatient, but after a deep breath in and out, I repositioned my front leg just a little and, Voila!, I got the pose.  So then I was shown by my wonderful Lord, that this is what our relationships and our views about what happens to us everyday needs...a little repositioning of our "mental leg".  In every relationship, no matter how close or how distant it is, God is in the middle of it.  You see, God is love...and what is love??  Love is:
Patient - When was the last time you were patient with someone?  Were you patient with someone today?
Kind - Was someone kind to you today? Did you feel the need for you to be kind to someone?
Not envious - Did someone lift you up today without feeling insecure about themselves?  Did you admire someone today?
Humble - Did you swallow your pride today?  Did someone apologize to you?
Polite - Did someone open the door for you?
Looking out for others welfare - Did you think about someone you love and hope they're doing good?  Were you asked if you were ok?
Long suffering - Did you put up with someone else's story...for the 3rd time :-)?  Or did someone hear you out?
Honest - Did you tell the truth?  Was someone honest with you?
Protection - Are you safe?
Trustful - Do you trust someone...does someone trust you?
Hopeful - You made it one more day...you hope tomorrow will be better or just as good.

I'm sure most of us will say yes to some of these...if not most of these questions.  So then I have to ask myself...with all these evidences of love around us...why then, do I still doubt that God is with me?  Why do I doubt that He wants only the best for me?  Why do I doubt that my future is a great future and that it's in His hands?  Why do I feel alone?

"Oh me, of little faith!"  The next time I'm tempted to feel sad or depressed about how empty or sad my life feels...I will remember what love is.  I will remember that every single day I have proof of God all around me and in all the different people He has surrounded me with to manifest His love for me.  Every relationship is a triangle, in some small or huge way.  It's me, you and God (through one or more of His traits).  We just need to reposition our perspective a little, to be able to see this triangle and thank our Lord up above for surrounding us, everyday...with His love.

Mental - Thank you, thank you Silence ~Alanis Morissette

Lyrics: 


How bout getting off of these antibiotics
How bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How bout them transparent dangling carrots
How bout that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How bout me not blaming you for everything
How bout me enjoying the moment for once
How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How bout no longer being masochistic
How bout remembering your divinity
How bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

yeah yeah
ahh ohhh
ahhh ho oh
ahhh ho ohhhhhh
yeaahhhh yeahh

I posted this video and the lyrics to it because there was a long time during this past year when I couldn't get my mind to be silent, to enjoy the moment, to not let my thoughts try to make me go crazy.  Sometimes, I would actually have to stop and yell at the top of my lungs, "MIND....BE QUIET...STOP!!!"  I could not get it to stop thinking over the things that had happened, over the things I could have done differently but didn't, over the things that were said to me, done to me...etc.  You know where I've been, right?  Or maybe you're there right now.  I pray for you if you are there right now..."Lord, give my friend, my sister, my brother, peace and quiet right now...Amen".  Then finally one morning I woke up...and there it was...silence, beautiful, wonderful, peaceful silence.  I began to cry.  Then this song came to my mind.  I downloaded right then and there and read the lyrics while I listened to it.  Victor came into the bedroom and saw me crying and probably thought something was wrong.  I remember just telling him..."honey, I have it again, I have peace."  I played that song for the rest of the weekend.  Every verse was a reminder of how God can use all the bad things that we've experienced to help us appreciate what we have.  The fear, the terror, the disappointments can all help us get back on the right track to where we're really supposed to be.  They actually help speed up the process because with them we run back to God and tell him..."i'm sorry, I've messed up, PLEASE show me the way, show me your Way...because my way only led me to destruction (those transparent dangling carrots!)"

Now, I'm going to tell you a really fast way and then the hard way to get silence.  The fast way is to help, for the torture of the mind, right now, and the long way, is the hard way, but it's the permanent one.  The fast way, is to do a really complicated yoga move.  The one that brought me quick relief, when I was in that noise, was this yoga pose.  It works so beautifully.  Stare at the clouds, at the mountains, your favorite picture...concentrate on your breathing, in and out through your nose...grab your leg, extend your arm and let your eyes focus.  You will get silence, you have to have silence in order to to be able to maintain this pose :o)!
Now the hard way...the long way...you work towards balance in your life.  You eat right, you exercise, you pray, you meditate, you read your bible, you are good to people, you forgive people and you feed your mind with educational, interesting thoughts, books, music and other things (like this blog....just kidding!)  I promise, you achieve balance, and you will have longer periods of silence, joy, peace...happiness.  Let me know if you need anything, remember....I'm here on this earth to help and to be helped by you.  Love you and thank you Lord for another day!!

Physical - Phantom Pains

I came home from work on Friday and really felt the need to just sit and meditate after a long work week.  Victor (he's an assistant varsity b-ball coach) was at his game, it was too cold to run and I just needed to have some quiet time.  So I start mentally preparing for my meditation, I make sure I'm in a comfortable position, my hair is out of the way and I take a deep breath and start my meditation.  About 2 minutes into my meditation, of course, there is a stray hair (I always know there's one hair that will know how to stay on my face) that is tickling my neck and I have to refocus and try to forget it's there.  Then one of my dogs comes up to me and since my eyes are closed, I can only imagine that he's sitting there just staring at me and he sneezes on my arm and then curls up and lays down next to my leg.  So I take a deeper breath and try to get back to meditating when suddenly there is a loud noise outside and my eyes fly open and the dogs start to bark....so much for meditating...the moment is over and I just thank God for the little time I was able to put in.  This made me think about our bodies.  They will always cry out for attention.  Whether its a craving we're trying not to give into, or a pain inside that wants to get us depressed, or a little nagging headache that won't let us concentrate and just feel bad for ourselves.  Our bodies are like spoiled children that always want the mind's attention and most of the time we give into ourselves because it's the easier thing to do.  However, sometimes...most of the time, we have to be the "grownups" over our bodies and say, "no, you are not going to eat that snickers today, or no, you are not going to feel scared over that issue again, or get your lazy butt off that couch and go for a run!".  The thing is, though, that we should ALWAYS be kind to ourselves.  We should always listen to our bodies and determine whether the need is really real or is it false.  If what we're feeling, like say a sore knee, we should listen and say "I'll be nice to my body today and not work out", but if we are feeling moody or sad about an issue that is in the past and resolved, we need to tell ourselves, "that's over with, there's nothing to be scared or sad about, the issue is a phantom pain".  Then at this point, start listening to the Lord and see what issue is really there so that we can deal with growing and not wasting time on "spilled milk" that has already been cleaned up.

Spiritual - God and the wheel

There's this pose, the wheel with one leg lifted (i'm not sure what the technical term is) that keeps me very focused and intent on getting it.  I keep trying and trying and no amount of push ups, mental pep talks, balancing tries...etc., have let me achieve this pose.  I want this pose, I need this pose, I will get this pose!!  So last night, after some cardio and crunches, I thought "i'm going to get this pose tonight!"  So there I go, getting on my back, willing my legs and my arms to carry me and up I go into a back bend.  As much as I keep trying to get my leg off the ground, it just won't go.  I pray please Lord...let me get it...and it still doesn't go up.  And so...I give up one more time, BUT... only until next time.  Now, I have to say that when I first started trying to get this pose, about 3 months ago, I couldn't even get into the back bend position.  Little by little, I started feeling the pose and eventually got in the wheel pose, but the leg just won't go up.  So I'm not sure how to get this pose, I try balance, mental, physical strength...not one of these things is enough.  This pose reminds me of how my spiritual life should be.  There should be no balance when it comes to God.  He is the one constant that I want to be in my every waking and sleeping moment.  There is no "balance" to how much I should love Him, because He loves me so much.  Mentally, I can't fit the Infinite into my finite brain, so I need to accept what He chooses to reveal of Himself to me little by little, day by day.  Physically, He provides for all my needs and give me beauty to gaze upon and my body to do yoga with, but ultimately this shell is His, His temple, not mine.  So I will keep trying to reach this pose, just like I will keep trying to walk in His righteousness and His will, but I don't have it all yet, and tomorrow I will try again.

The Core

I was doing a Yoga sequence that came in my Yoga Journal magazine last night that concentrates on strengthening your core strength.  I love any exercise that promises to build my core...it just sounds so foundational, so strong, so much about the essence of my body.  When I reached the last pose, Bakasana (Crane Pose) , I was excited to find that I could actually hold it!  Ok so it was for about 3 seconds, but it amazed me at how good it felt and how balanced my mind and body felt.  So I was thinking about this pose.  I think that what I loved about it is how it applies so well to how we need balance in our lives.  I have mentioned before that I'm striving for balance in my spiritual, mental, physical and relational sides of my life.  It just amazes me how universal truths have a way of being at "the core" of everything we learn.  Yoga is also about achieving balance in four areas (they are called purusharthas): dharma, artha, kama and moksha.  Imagine that!  How is it that everything is about balance and how things are so connected!  What I also loved is that if you have balance, you can achieve great things.  I looked at the picture of the Crane Pose and thought "man, that takes a lot of strength!"  But in reality, if you have the balance and the focus, your arms can sustain the weight.  I can apply that to my life and how maintaining balance helps me stay focused, be joyful, be at peace and pursue my true purpose (which I believe is to love and help people, but even that gets deeper...how do I do this? what avenue? where?? I guess it's a topic all by itself!!).

So I think that what I'll do from now, to give this blog a little more structure, is to dedicate an entry to each of those four areas.  I'll also see what Yoga teaches me along the way in these areas...I'm pretty excited to see what comes of it.  I started doing yoga poses and sequences when I felt unhappy and couldn't seem to enjoy living in the moment.  I found that since it's all about focusing on the moment, that it helped me to come out of the dark place I was living in and has helped me to become more in tune with my body and thank God for each and every moment he grants me.  Once again, the Creator of this universe knew exactly what He was doing when He created us!  Amazing.

The Matrix

I was watching the Matrix this morning and found how sad and unsettling the theme of the movie really is. I don't remember most of the movie since I saw it so long ago and this morning I only watched the part where Keannu (what's his name?  Nemo?) chooses the red pill over the blue one and this allows him to break out of his pod.  However, it did remind me of an article I read yesterday and how intricate and complicated man's free will is here on earth.  The article comes from a wonderful jewish website I found, it's www.aish.com (it has so many awesome lessons, anyone wanting more wisdom should really check this out!) and the article (http://www.aish.com/tp/i/m/48954241.html) talks about free will and how ultimately here on earth there is almost a sort of limited type of free will.  I guess this is really where my feeling of being "stuck" originated from.  I kept telling Victor how we are kind of "stuck" with each other (no matter how good the marriage is), because as Christians, our responsibility is to make sure that we represent God through our marriage.  So here on earth, it's kind of like a proving ground, we are given this "free will" so that if we choose to listen to God and really do what He says (which is the ONLY way we will ever be truly happy here) then we will be able to spend eternity with Him.  However, if we choose not to follow Him (which only leads to misery) then we won't get to spend eternity with Him.  So...do you see "the matrix"?  We have free will, but if you're a Christian, you really only have the choice to do what He says!  Which is great because this will lead to true happiness, but what happens to us is that Satan distorts this truth and starts telling us that we shouldn't choose God's way, we should do what feels good right now.  He is such a good liar!!  We are like sheep, dumb and stupid, and we fall for his lies sometimes.  The best part comes at the end of the article, because even though our free will here on earth is limited to God's way or our way...in eternity we will have true free will, but by the time we get there we will have proven our character and that we really do want to follow the Lord!  Thank you God for being such an awesome God...I hope everyone has a Great 2010 and I pray for His will for our lives.