Love the Reflections of Ourselves

So ever since Trump's crazy win, my mind has been on overdrive and I just analyze and analyze away.   I think about how this country obviously still has some growing and changing to do before we move on to our next step, and actually how this action, will spur growth and awareness.  At least I know it has done that for me.  I even thought of going back to school, but after finding out that my job won't pay for a second master's (hehe), I am reconsidering and I'll try to teach myself the things I want to learn.  I want to learn about cyber security, coding, networking, and maybe learn about quantum computing.  I've always loved technology and I love learning about our future in this field.  The growth in IT is soooo exponential, I just don't understand how we can keep up with it, but I'm sure going to try to learn as much as I can.  Other things that I have learned is that I can't let things disrupt my peace of mind.  I'm as ok as I've always been and I have to admit anxiety got the best of me.  However, I settled back down and with that I got a taste of what anxiety feels like and how debilitating it can be.  I came back with more compassion and empathy for people's state of mind in the face of the unknown.  It was so subconscious that I wasn't sure what was happening to me, but slowly but surely I came out of it.  I don't know if hormones had alot to do with it, but I think they might have.  I started eating better, exercising more, not watching the news and remembered that everything works out for our good.  I truly believe this to be true.  I don't think I'm an unrealistic optimist.  I just know that no matter what kind of painful or hard event that has come to pass in my life, somehow I've been blessed by it, learned something, grown from it.  That's my experience, so no need to start thinking it will change now.  I also started listening to this book called "Abundance".  It makes so much sense.  It talks about how the world is getting better not worse.  Our lives are longer, technology solves problems of humanity for us much faster, computers let us be connected to each other, how we should invest in bitcoin (hint, hint) ...etc.   So this really reminded me of how I really felt before the stupid election.  LOL.   I'm really interested on how this is all going to play out.  I think we might be in for a VERY bumpy ride in the next few years, but I think we can handle it.  We need to love each other.  We need to take care of each other.  We need to understand we are all one family.  We don't need to like each other, but we can respect each other and love the humanity that we see reflected back in each other.

The Other Side

I'm listening to this book called "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" by Amy Morin and she wrote something that really struck something in me and she said something like its our bad habits that weigh us down.  So even if we have all these good habits, it's the bad habits that weigh on us heavily.  That got me thinking about my bad habits.  I actually don't think I beat myself up badly at all these days...not that I never used to or that I still can some days, but for the most part, I try to accept myself the way I am at the moment, and remind myself that I am enough.  However, this exercise had me thinking about my bad habits in order to work on getting rid of them so that I am not weighed down as much, so that I can be freer in ways I hadn't exactly zeroed in on.  Well of course, some of my bad habits include negative thinking, envy, sugar, alcohol, worrying, and fearing about the future. I thought of these things and how I can start chipping away and lessening their burden on myself.  Some of these are kind of easy.  Like alcohol.  Even though I love my beer, cutting down my consumption during week days and watching the amounts closer on the weekend wasn't hard at all.  I try to wake up early every morning to go to the gym, so it's actually a lot easier when I don't have a beer or a glass of wine the night before.  I'm not as sluggish at waking up and I'm having a little more energy.  I'm also meditating so it could very well be a combination of these things.  Sugar is a little harder.  It's so innocuous, a little in my coffee, a pudding after lunch, some ice cream at night.  They're like these little treats that I can't make myself feel bad enough about to give up.  So I'm trying to just cut back even if it's just a teeny tiny bit.  See how "unhard" I am on myself?  Envy, worrying, fear...well, these things are bit tougher.  It's like I don't think I'm going to feel them and then out of nowhere...bam! There is fear. Bam bam! There's some envy....I am trying to stear clear of triggers. Social media and the news are definitely triggers.  My checking account is a trigger. I can't stop checking that though!  

So am I feeling freer?  I have to say I'm feeling a little less restless.  More centered and less frazzled.  I tend to feel a bit frazzled as the week goes on and I feel like I'm having more time to take care of me.  I want to keep practicing letting go of bad habits, little by little, and enjoy the lightness that is brought on by unburdening myself.  It's the changing of persepective that I love.  It's like I'm on one end of this spectrum, where I practice good habits, and then this other idea comes along that shows me another way of growing my soul and it just makes me so happy to see it from another vantage point.  Life gives us all these awesome cues and hints all the time.  I am trying to listen and be aware so that I can pick up on all these little whispers that nudge us forward in better ways.

Happiness and Me

So this is a blog post that I knew was in me somewhere deep inside and just never could imagine what that would look like!  And here it finally is.  I think it's been here for some time, I just never felt inspired to write it because it's been feeling kind of normal for a while.  What is the big deal with feeling happy and content was what was prohibiting me from thinking too much about it.  And yet, every day for a few months, I am still constantly amazed at the lightness of being that is my everyday feeling.  Why do I say lightness of being?  Because that's the best way to explain it.  I don't feel heavy and burdened down with negative thoughts or pain in my heart or dark clouds.  I remember wondering if this state that I'm in was even possible.  I would work every day to think positively, to be consciously grateful for my life and what I have, to count my blessings, to negate the things that I felt I was missing.  I thought that this would be my constant daily work.  I dared to hope that one day it wouldn't have to be such an up hill walk, and then it leveled off at some point, and it was like I didn't even notice...until now.  I guess I kept waiting to feel that drag again.  I kept thinking that I would have to battle my thoughts soon again.  I kept feeling out my insides for any glimpse of pain.  Nothing happened.  Only peace and happiness.  Excitement over my life is here.  Love surrounds me.  Please don't think I am bragging.  Holy Shit!!  Far from it.  I'm just letting you know that it's fucking real!!  LOL!  What did my work look like??  Reading positive things, yoga, meditation, being kind, eating healthy, shutting the negative voices up, believing that I'm wonderful (along with everyone else on this planet), removing guilt and shame, doing things that make me happy, not doing things that I don't want to do, giving myself permission to be happy, knowing that I'm worthy of everything I want...etc.  So the question is, does everyone else's work look the same?  I don't know.  I can't imagine that the same things that make me happy, makes everyone else happy so it can't look exactly the same...but it might have the same template!  Also, it wasn't easy.  Not at all.  But nothing worth having ever comes easy does it?  So don't expect this most precious state to be any different.  The moment we start feeling sorry for ourselves because this is too hard, is the moment we stop and tell ourselves to put our big girl/boy panties/underwear and keep at it.  Learn to rest and then keep working.  I'm so damn excited for the rest of this year and I just cannot wait to see what it will bring.  I've learned that I'm a co-creator in this life of mine and the other half is pure unadulterated LOVE, God, the Universe, I AM...whatever you want to call that beautiful wonderous Being of Light that surrounds us all, and I can do whatever the hell my heart desires!  Doesn't that sound wonderful and amazing?  I hope everyone finds their happiness and joy.  My heart and love goes out to all of you.  Remember everything is going to be ok and this is just a tiny snippet together in this game of life through eternity.

Peace and Love babes,
Lili

Soul Food 2015

So it's the first Monday of the New Year 2015...and hell yeah, I'm off!  Seriously I should do this every damn year.  Haha.  It's like I want to prolong getting back into the regular schedule of my life and it makes me wonder why??  I work really hard at self improvement, being positive, seeing above circumstances...but during this new year holiday I was in total shut down mode.  I just wanted to watch tv, eat all the good food, drink good beer, and hang loose.  So I did.  Problem is now I can't seem to snap out of it!!!  I think that I can try too hard at becoming who I think I'm supposed to be, that I forget to just freaking enjoy who I am exactly at this moment.  I have to stop and wonder who is this "person" that I'm aiming for, and what is so much better about her than I am right now.  This "future" Lili really is a bit too perfect for my carefree taste, I'm not sure how much I appreciate her super duper excellence.  Fuck off with that noise, am I right?  I'm not even sure if there's someone I'm supposed to impress or who it is that is expecting me to be better?  I think that if something feels rough and just not right, that it's ok to take a step back and see if there's not a better way or a simpler way of doing the same thing.  In this case, it is living my life to the fullest.  I expect my fullest life to look super exciting and focused and powerful...yet, when I exhaust myself trying to make it like that, the only thing I want to do is sit back, relax, and bake cookies.  I remember that part of the trick to a balanced life is that we should work hard, but not forget to then sit back and enjoy.  We have to let all that work marinate with our selves and our lives so that it can get really juicy again and not dry up from all the work.  So I'm marinating right now and I'm not sure how much longer I will have to marinate.  I know for sure that it's at least one more day!  I love that on the same day that I feel like doing absolutely nothing, this is when I write my first blog post of this year, without even intending!! LOL!  See it's already working!  Creativity is boosted when we are relaxed and having fun.  It doesn't have to be super hard work if we just play at life and remember that it really is a game.  Plus, try to remember that we have all CHOSEN to be here.  We are all part of the brave souls that volunteered and said, "hell ya, let me have some of that action on earth!", fully knowing how tough and challenging it was going to be.  We are some kick ass souls down here and the more I remember this and look around me, the more I love the souls I see.  We forget that we are all made of the same stuff and I just love that we are experiencing this life that "even Angels long to look into" (New Testament, 1 Peter).  So with that, I'm off to bake some cookies and make some chicken soup.  It's not called Food for the Soul, for nothing!

Peace and Love,
Lili

Awareness of Laws

There are natural laws to our universe that we take for granted and never really pay attention to...unless we pay attention to them.  Some of these laws are (and these are not formal terms, just my attempt to best address them):

1.  The Law of Balance - things will always seek level balance.  This law includes Karma, energy exchanges, and so many other things.
2.  Like attracts like - things/people will normally surround themselves with others that are the same.  Just look around you...your friends pretty much all like you.  There might be fringes, but for the most part, they must all have some stuff in common with you and that's why you hang out together.
3. You reap what you sow - this is what I really want this post to be about.

Time and time again, when I take the time to be aware of this law, I will always be able to see this law at work.  For example, I love just meditating on the actions, choices, decisions that I've made in the past few years and then I like to take a look around at my life in the present and see how all those things have bloomed.  I like that we can't see change from day to day, but once you add time, you can really see how much things have changed...whether they be good or bad.  This is where it can get a little sad.  You see, sometimes a very hard truth to accept is this...you really do choose the life that you live.  You CHOOSE the life you live.  I know that if you are going through a hard time, sad or painful time right now...that this truth is just appalling for some, but the honest truth is that you did really choose whatever circumstances you find yourself in.  Ugh.  I know.  Now I know there are those crazy things that life throws at us and we just could never have anticipated those things...but the rest of our lives, most of our lives we really have created.  I think that since a lot of us don't realize that we create our own lives and believe that we are like a sailboat drifting along a big ocean...that we don't actually put into play a lot of things that we really desire because we don't really believe that we can have the life we really want.  However, this is just not true.

So this beautiful law is wonderful for when we get to harvest the good stuff, but we need to remember that the hard work that goes into all the sowing, is freaking hard work.  I know this.  However, I also know that its so worth it.  I'd hate to think that anyone would end up just miserable, unhealthy, uncared for, and with a life not well lived, just because they didn't realize this law was at play in their lives.  I hope that today we wake up just a little more and know that the choices we make today really are a step  in the direction that we will be towards, three years from now, 5 years from now, 10, 20 years from now!  Think about the amazing life we could be living if we put in the hard work right now.  And more than that, by who's standards is the word "hard"?  Why should it be any easier...maybe it is easy and we just need to have a different perspective.  Maybe easy is anything that we can actually do and is not impossible. Let's use these laws to our advantage.  This is our life, this is my life, this is your life...choose to make it the best possible one!

Peace and love,
Lili

Perfectly Imperfect

It's been an interesting week.  I wish sometimes that I could actually write about all the things that go on in my life and all the things people tell me...but I can't only because I value people's privacy and honor the fact that they open up to me about personal ...very personal things.  However, I do want to put out there...that as much as we are all so different...we are so fucking the same!!! LOL!  Please never think that you are more broken or so much more incomplete than anyone else.  For whatever reason, we like to think we are special in that regard...and that if "anyone knew what I think about, do, desire...blah, blah, blah" that everyone would think you are crazy.  That is so far from the truth!!  Everyone has dark thoughts, desires they think are crazy, voices in their head that say outlandish things...but I'm here to tell you that YOU are perfectly fine.  At least you WOULD be perfectly fine, if you realized how perfectly fine you are!!  All that believing that we are so broken beyond anyone else, feeds on itself and therefore makes us act out in crazy ways.  Whatever those manifestations are, are so numerous and so unique to everyone, but I guarantee you...everyone who doesn't believe they are perfectly whole just the way they are, acts out in some way.  The sooner you start working on yourself and by that I mean working your way to unbelieving the bad voices, the guilt ridden voices, the manipulative ones, the self defeating, the ones that put you down...and start listening to the still, quiet one deep down inside that tells you you're truly beautiful and imperfectly perfect, the sooner you will stop doing things to act your big bad self out!

People are so beautiful and interesting and most people don't know this even one bit.  I hope that this Friday brings each one of us closer to the realization that we are complete and whole and just exactly who we are supposed to be.  That is my wish for today.  Oh and also that my grand babies have a great birthday party tonight ;).

Peace and love,
Lili

Appreciating Moments

I read a poem yesterday, "The Last Time", and as much as it was beautiful it was also very sad for me.  You can see it here The Last Time Poem  I don't have any small kiddos at home, so I can't imagine how much sadder it would be for a parent with young kiddos!  I do however, have 2 beautiful grand babies.  

Leanna and Nana

Daniel and Nana

The truth of this poem was also compounded by the fact that these babies will soon be moving away to go with their momma and daddy to a brand new adventure!   So I felt sad for some moments..then I shook it off and went about my day.  Our day consisted of having these babies over for the day and spend the night so throughout the whole time, my mind would occasionally alight on the poem.  My mind instinctually wanted to mourn the loss of the precious moments of their childhood that I will ultimately lose one of these days...because isn't that how our mind is naturally programmed?  To use any opportunity to feel sorry for itself, to be warmed by it's sadness, to be comforted in being a victim.  So I would remember that I still have all these moments and if I were to decrease the joy of these moments, even by .01%, that I would not have 100% of the joy that these moments are offering me right now.  There is no reason to cheat ourselves out of the joy of beautiful moments.  It's like eating the most delicious chocolate cake and all the while crying because of the calories we are consuming.  We are consuming the calories, so might as well enjoy the cake!

The other reason that we should not give in to these unjoyful thoughts is that it leaves no room for being grateful for what we do have.  We are so busy thinking about how unfair it is that this won't last forever, that we forget to appreciate that we even have these moments at all!  Not everyone experiences the things we do, and we wouldn't trade places with that person, therefore we should be thankful and appreciate what we get to have.  Being thankful infuses so much more meaning into these moments because it allows us to be aware of them, savor them and tuck them into our memory bank with just a little more beautiful framing and into special places.  Ahhhh, and so then "we can have roses in winter", we can recall these moments with joy and with gratefulness...it is proven that our brain can't tell the difference between it really happening and us just thinking about it.  For example, think of a phobia you have...mine is heights, if you picture yourself in that situation, your body will respond as if it is in it.  My palms will get sweaty, my fingers will tingle, I'll get a tightening in my chest...your brain doesn't know the difference!  So to use that to ur advantage we can recall any beautiful moment and bring back all the wonderful feelings that we felt at that time...and voila! You get roses in December.  Life can be gracious that way!

Another thing we must do during these moments is to appreciate them exactly the way they are.  We can have beautiful moments but still mourning some aspect that we wish was there..."oh I wish my Mom was here to see this", "Oh I wish I had more money to enjoy this more", "Everything is perfect except for 'fill in the blank'".  When we can be in a moment and take it just the way it is and know it as perfect and exactly how it is meant to be, we can fully enjoy it and accept all the beauty and joy it has to offer.

I know this it is difficult to train our mind to think this way.  It doesn't come naturally and we have to consciously change our mind to see things differently.  However, the more we do it, the easier it becomes.  Then the easier it becomes the more we get to spend time enjoying rather that tweaking our  minds to think better.  We really eventually can gather a momentum in this type of thinking and you almost automatically are in this state most of the time.  I definitely am still working at it, but it has become tons easier.  The secret to not giving up and thinking it isn't working is to know it's a process, it's slow and to look for any teeny tiny evidences of progress.  These tiny evidences are life savers if you can spot them, because if they are there...rest assured they will only grow bigger and more frequent the more you practice being joyful and grateful of moments exactly as they are.  I wish everyone a wonderful Sunday and may you have the most beautiful day ever.  I truly believe that the best things are yet to come (C.S Lewis).  

Peace and Love,

Lili