Things I've learned for our Anniversay

Tomorrow is our 9th year anniversary...wow!  I have to say it's been a wonderful, hard, short, long, sweet, sad, crazy, exciting, boring...etc. 9 years.  I look back today and see how much both of us have changed.  Especially this past year.  All I can say is thank you to my wonderful husband, Vic, and tell him that I'm so thankful for how he has supported and been there for me throughout the most terrible year of my life.  The most terrible year of both of our lives.  However, as bad as it was, I can also say it has been the best year of my life...how crazy is that??!!  Everything has such a double edge to it.  The harder something seems to be, the more you get out of the experience.  Life is just weird that way.  This year has been the best because I've learned so much.
I've learned that life is hard, EVERYONE's life is hard at one time or another (or for some it seems to always be hard) and our role in this life is to make someone's road that much easier when we cross paths.  Yes, we are all crazy in one way or another, and to different degrees, but we should try and see past the craziness and see the humanity in each other and try to just make it that much easier for each other.  Let's not give in to the easy way...by criticizing, by being mean, by trying to force our perspective on one another...let's just try to remember that we have no IDEA what that person might be going through and that we don't have to be one more stumbling block on their road this day.
I've also learned that we reap what we sow.  NO matter what, whether good or bad.  If you put work into something, it will pay back.  If you don't give of yourself, you will get nothing in return.  If you give of your all, you will get it all back and more.  Trust me, this is true.  Just give and see if it doesn't work!
Another thing I've learned, is that God loves us more than we will ever know.  I'm still trying to wrap my brain around a little bit of this ocean of thought.  It is too grand for me, too awesome and I will never understand it... but I do know that He loves us.  For so much of this year, I was in anguish over the thought that He was not on my side.  That He was this grand comedian, playing with me.  How horrible is that thought?  I know...horrible.  Slowly but surely, though, I've come back again and remembered again that I am LOVED by the great Creator.  That He has me in his hands and will not let me fall.  Even though He does discipline those He loves, He will always be our protector as well.  What an awesome thing to know and believe again!  It's very lonely and scary when you don't believe you are protected by God.
I've learned that Love really does conquer all.  When we were married, some of the verses that were read was 1 Corinthians 13.  I now see and know that these verses are so true.  True love is great, but TRIED and true love is the ultimate.  So I'll finish this post with the verses and pray that no matter what, that whoever reads this has Love in their life and that you take the time to thank God for that Love and let it rain blessings over you today.  God Bless.

13:1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, [1] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; [2] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Getting lost

I realize that I haven't blogged in a while...just no inspiration, no ideas, no clear path.  So, I guess I'm a little lost.  I say a little, because I'm nowhere close to being where I was about 10 months ago, when I was in total darkness, lost, consumed by nothing.  But today, right now, I just feel a little lost.  This time, though, I don't think it's such a bad thing.  What happens when you get lost?  You ask around for directions, you look for landmarks, you experience new things, you find paths that you've never traveled before...you even might get distracted, for a time, from that which you were trying to get to.  You get distracted by something interesting, a beautiful scenery, an interesting person you might meet.  I think that's where I might be right now.  I will have to look around my life a little more to appreciate those types of distractions... because even though I might not be exactly where I think that I should be, I still have my familiar landmarks.  Kind of like the mountains of El Paso.  Where, no matter where you go in this city, you can still look up and know if you're east, west, north or south of those mountains.  You might not know what street you're on, but you know if you just head in the right direction you'll eventually get to I-10.   So I'll look up for now.  I  know where God is, I know where Victor is, I know where my family is and where my friends are and I'll just keep heading forward and enjoy the scenery here in "a little lost" for a while more.  I will believe that even know I may not know exactly where I'm at...I do know that I'll eventually get back on the right path, right back to me.

Forrest Gump

I was watching Forrest Gump yesterday and I was mesmerized at how deep this movie is!  I have never seen it quite the way I saw it yesterday.  Forrest is the "perfect human being".  Why do I say this?  Because he lives in every moment.  He is a person of strong character and virtue...he always just makes the right choice no matter the cost, the pain, the fear, the rejection.  Take for example, when those kids are going to beat him up and Jenny shouts "run, forrest, run!"  Forrest just turns to look at her and then just runs...he runs and runs until he is free from his leg braces and then he runs the rest of his life.  Another scenario, is when he graduates from college and most of us would take time off to celebrate (which there is nothing wrong with celebrating our successes), but he gets drafted and the next moment he's off on a bus to basic training.  Forrest just does what he is told (like we should when God speaks to us) and things just seem to turn out well.  Yes, he goes to war and is scared, his buddy dies and he cries, he loves Jenny and she doesn't love him back...but he soldiers on and on...doing the right thing every time.  In contrast, we have Jenny.  She is just so messed up from her childhood, she doesn't have the first clue of who she is.  She is constantly making the wrong choice, or a better way to put it...tries to keep hammering a square peg in a round hole...so she is in constant pain, miserable...a failure.  That's what happens to us, when we keep making the wrong choice.  For some reason, we are prone and attracted to, be rebellious.  We want what is bad for us, we crave all the bad things, we desire those things that will destroy us.  We have to ask the Lord for strength.  Whatever it is we're battling...sin, overeating, laziness, feeling sorry for ourselves, blaming others, not appreciating the life we have...whatever it is, just start (or keep on) making the right choice.  At first it's hard but once you start making choosing the right thing it starts feeling consistent, it becomes a habit and eventually you wouldn't have it any other way.  It's like when you start eating healthy.  At first you miss that bag of hot cheetos but after a while, when you've cut out most of the fried, processed, unhealthy foods from your diet....those hot cheetos don't taste nearly as good as they used to...and voila! you don't crave them anymore.  Life is going to happen to us no matter what.  However, God tells us that when we do it his way, HE prepares the way before us and we don't have to worry about tomorrow.  When we are in His will, the only "work" we have is to enjoy (imagine that!) today, take pleasure in the life that we are living at this moment and show to others the light we have in our souls by being good, kind, compassionate and giving to others.  He doesn't want us worrying about tomorrow, He will take care of us.  What a wonderful God we serve!  He loves us, wants only the BEST for us and it's our job to believe that and just make the right choice.

Physical - Hi My Name is Lili and I am an...

So this weekend was the first weekend of Lent and we decided to give up alcohol for Lent....aaaauuughhh!!  What the heck were we thinking!!!  I have to blame it all on me because I was the one who first said that I would give it up and then, Victor, being the good husband and Catholic that he is said "sure baby, I'll give it up with you!"  He's such a cool guy...
I have to admit that on Friday I was not even looking forward to the weekend.  I kept thinking, "what the heck are we going to do??"  I know this sounds pretty pathetic, but we really use beer to help us have a good time at dinner, a club or just at home watching Sopranos or Weeds episodes.  We're just social alcoholics that way.  So we went to work out on Friday and then had some fish soup at Ciro's.  So Friday was good.  Then Saturday comes along and I had to go to a women's conference where my boss gave a great speech (you go girl!) and I have to admit that waking up early and not feeling the effects of a late night sure felt good!  We then had a nice pizza lunch at Ardovino's (I was this close to ordering a glass of wine) and then we went to a movie (Werewolf kind of sucked).  Sunday then comes around and I woke up early again and we went to go eat breakfast and then I had to go to work for a quick emergency.  Soooo, did I miss drinking?  Yes I sort of did, but truth be told, I kept thinking that I really want to consecrate myself to God this lenten season and I really think giving up the booze will help me in that quest.  I have other issues that really need my clarity and a better physical fitness level and I think that the Lord has not asked something of me that is not really going to benefit tremendously in the long run.  We tend to use beer as self medication sometimes (ok, maybe most of the time) and it's been a long time since I haven't used it as a numbing agent (the last time I quit was when I was pregnant last May and that felt nice), so it'll be nice to really know that I'm not using a mental or physical crutch to get me through the remnants of my "low periods".  Vic and I watched "The Notebook" together this evening and I really enjoyed the talk we had afterwards.  I told him that I had felt that I'd forgotten who I was when I was going through my darkness and that's a terrible thing for anyone to go through.  I remember the first time I saw that movie and I remember not liking it very much...I was super mad at her for not remembering her husband.  What a dummy I was!!  I've become very empathetic lately and I pray for anyone who has a mental illness of some sort.  I'm just glad that maybe by giving up drinking and being up for a "chick flick", when we otherwise probably wouldn't have watched it since we aren't normally up for stuff like that....that we will grow closer to each other and to God.  It's nice to know we don't need alcohol to loosen us up to have nice, deep conversations like the one we had.  It was a very nice Sunday evening and I'll be perky and rested for Monday.  Bring it on!!

Spiritual - That was yesterday

I started taking some training to become a CASA volunteer.  This organization provides guardian ad litums for abused and neglected kiddos.  A guardian ad litum is a person who acts as the voice of the kiddo and recommends to the court where they think they should be placed after doing their own investigation.  At first, I was really apprehensive and scared to take on this type of responsibility.  I guess through all the darkness that I'd been through, I was scared to get into someone else's darkness, even though that someone was an innocent victim, and helpless...unlike me.  I started praying and asking the Lord for guidance.  He kept telling me that He was with me, that something so helpful wouldn't be bad for me...that my responsibility, as a child of God, was to "visit widows and orphans in their time of trouble" (James 1:27).  So I went to the training.  I have to admit that I had to keep telling myself that I was in a safe place with good people and that everyone there was just trying to help.  I kept feeling so scared and almost felt like I was kidding myself that I would be able to help anyone, knowing what I had just come out of in my own life.  But I kept on.  At one time during the training we were being instructed on staying objective and understanding that we need to see things from all angles and not bring our preconceived notions or values to the situation.  We were shown a drawing of a room where the mom was sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette...all the while her home was in disarray, her kiddos were seemingly unattended to and the dad had just returned home.  We were asked to look at the picture and only point out the good things that we saw.  There was fruit in the bowl, so I suppose she gave her kiddos good nutrition.  There was a puzzle in pieces on the floor, so hopefully that meant that the kiddos were mentally stimulated.  One of the kiddos was reaching his arms up to the returning dad, so obviously the baby had a bond with him and happy that he was home.  This little exercise really worked a number on my spirit and my brain.  I kept thinking, "I'm not equipped at this time, to be discerning (which at one time I thought I had that gift of the spirit) and this is going to make me useless in my role". I almost felt a panic attack come on and during the break, I told the instructor that I probably wouldn't come back, that I thought I couldn't do a good job.  I started crying and she probably thought I was a bit crazy.  But she was very sweet and told me not to worry ...that they cried all the time over the situations that they encounter.  That although it was hard to see the kids going through such a hard time, that this was all worth it when they saw the kids go on to have a good home, whether it was back with their families or adoption.  So I went to lunch and I prayed and asked for guidance.  The Lord is so good and so gentle.  He gently nudges us on to be brave and to have courage (Psalm 27:14 Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD).  So I went back and I really enjoyed the rest of the trainings.  I received my case this past week and have been praying for my kiddos who I haven't met.  Last night I had a dream that I was taking them and their mom to their grandmas house.  I dreamt that there was a baby that couldn't keep his head up and I was leery of leaving them there.  I really don't remember the rest of the dream but I woke up just thinking about them and how I'll be able to help them, if only by praying for them always.  I guess the story here is that we should never be afraid to help others.  Even though we might think that we are helpless or who are we to think that we can make a difference...the truth is that we can.  I was at Starbucks yesterday and that song came on "Lean on me, when you're not strong.  I'll be your friend...We all need somebody to lean on."  This morning I needed a friend and not only was the Lord with me, he provided my Victor, who is always there...to let me cry all I wanted to, until it was all out and I felt so much better.  I hope that one day I can look back on these kiddos and see that God let me be their friend.  That he let me be someone they could lean on and that when they cried for help, I listened.  I want to be there for them when it was yesterday and they can now move on to tomorrow. 

Mental - Who needs a perfect life, when we have perfect gifts?

I've had a tough weekend and now a tough start to my Monday when it comes to Mental strength.  I guess I never realized that our minds can be as flabby as our guts and that if exercised consistently and willfully that we can get stronger and stronger...but it freakin hurts.  It hurts to know that you're not as strong as you hoped you were, or as strong as people think you are.  The word says to think on things that are lovely, pure, just, honest...etc.  However, it's so much easier to let our minds wander, help us feel sorry for ourselves, be afraid, be weak...sleep through life.  We need to be brave, we need to get up and face this coming day and whatever it brings, we need to realign our thinking and realize that we have is good and we need to appreciate whatever circumstance we're in.  Because if we don't, guess what happens?  We will never be able to appreciate any circumstance we find ourselves in...we will always be waiting for that better job, more money, happier day, better life.  That will never come, the life we have now is the one we need to enjoy and let's face it we do have a good life.  No matter what troubles we have...we can think of things that we wouldn't trade for anything in this world.  For me, it's Victor, my family, my son and daughter-in-law....my Daniel.  Thank you Lord for everything that I have...because I know that every good and perfect gift is from you.

Physical - Magic Pill

I woke up today and thanked the Lord for a vacation day....ahhhh a day off.  My first thought was "I don't feel like doing anything today!"  Just veg out for a while, wait for Victor to come home from practice, go see that new movie "Book of Eli" and eat a tub of popcorn...butter free, of course ;-).  Then a little thought crept into my mind, what about doing some yoga?  Hmmmm...I started telling myself a bunch of excuses...it's my vacation day, I ran on Saturday, I'll do it tomorrow....I just don't feel like it!  *pout*  Then I started praying and I could hear my wonderful Lord telling me, Lili, what's going on?  Why do you not want to grow today, why would you waste one single day of your God given life to spend it not getting healthier!  I asked for forgiveness, put on some yoga pants (I love yoga pants, I think that's the reason I wanted to do yoga, just for the excuse of buying them) and put on this great yoga video called "long and lean yoga" with Baron Baptiste.  It's a tough routine, it strength trains you and you are shaking within the first five minutes of the sequence...it's great!  Throughout the routine, I sometimes thought, "hurry up Baron, your sweet soothing voice, is just getting on my nerves, already!"...but then that magical moment came when the end of the video comes, he gets you into this beautiful relaxed sitting position and you breathe in and out and you smile at yourself for doing it just one more day.  So then I'm sitting there, all happy and this other thought creeps into my mind..."why don't you go for a run? Just a 2 mile run, short and sweet? Hu...let's do it"  I open my eyes and wonder if that was me talking to me.  I start getting the urge to feel guilty about not running.  And that's when it hits me.  Balance Lili.  Everything is about balance.  Why do we go to one extreme and then another?  At first I don't even want to exercise and then the other moment I want to do a 45 minute yoga routine and then run!!  Craziness.  That's how we get lost, we forget about how to enjoy and appreciate what we have because we either don't work to get it, or once we have it we want more! 

Remember, always be good to yourself. Whether it's eating oatmeal with blueberries instead of a donut, or telling yourself you did a good job today by taking a walk instead of telling yourself how fat you look in those jeans.  Take it one day at a time.  It is hard work, but it can really be simple.  Just choose the best thing most of the time, meal by meal, exercise by exercise.  Pray about it and ask the Lord to give you balance in your eating habits and your exercise habits and most of all LISTEN. Listen to Him and listen to your body, they'll let you know the right path.  Also...it's all about consistency, there is no magic pill.  Only magical moments.