Spiritual - That was yesterday

I started taking some training to become a CASA volunteer.  This organization provides guardian ad litums for abused and neglected kiddos.  A guardian ad litum is a person who acts as the voice of the kiddo and recommends to the court where they think they should be placed after doing their own investigation.  At first, I was really apprehensive and scared to take on this type of responsibility.  I guess through all the darkness that I'd been through, I was scared to get into someone else's darkness, even though that someone was an innocent victim, and helpless...unlike me.  I started praying and asking the Lord for guidance.  He kept telling me that He was with me, that something so helpful wouldn't be bad for me...that my responsibility, as a child of God, was to "visit widows and orphans in their time of trouble" (James 1:27).  So I went to the training.  I have to admit that I had to keep telling myself that I was in a safe place with good people and that everyone there was just trying to help.  I kept feeling so scared and almost felt like I was kidding myself that I would be able to help anyone, knowing what I had just come out of in my own life.  But I kept on.  At one time during the training we were being instructed on staying objective and understanding that we need to see things from all angles and not bring our preconceived notions or values to the situation.  We were shown a drawing of a room where the mom was sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette...all the while her home was in disarray, her kiddos were seemingly unattended to and the dad had just returned home.  We were asked to look at the picture and only point out the good things that we saw.  There was fruit in the bowl, so I suppose she gave her kiddos good nutrition.  There was a puzzle in pieces on the floor, so hopefully that meant that the kiddos were mentally stimulated.  One of the kiddos was reaching his arms up to the returning dad, so obviously the baby had a bond with him and happy that he was home.  This little exercise really worked a number on my spirit and my brain.  I kept thinking, "I'm not equipped at this time, to be discerning (which at one time I thought I had that gift of the spirit) and this is going to make me useless in my role". I almost felt a panic attack come on and during the break, I told the instructor that I probably wouldn't come back, that I thought I couldn't do a good job.  I started crying and she probably thought I was a bit crazy.  But she was very sweet and told me not to worry ...that they cried all the time over the situations that they encounter.  That although it was hard to see the kids going through such a hard time, that this was all worth it when they saw the kids go on to have a good home, whether it was back with their families or adoption.  So I went to lunch and I prayed and asked for guidance.  The Lord is so good and so gentle.  He gently nudges us on to be brave and to have courage (Psalm 27:14 Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD).  So I went back and I really enjoyed the rest of the trainings.  I received my case this past week and have been praying for my kiddos who I haven't met.  Last night I had a dream that I was taking them and their mom to their grandmas house.  I dreamt that there was a baby that couldn't keep his head up and I was leery of leaving them there.  I really don't remember the rest of the dream but I woke up just thinking about them and how I'll be able to help them, if only by praying for them always.  I guess the story here is that we should never be afraid to help others.  Even though we might think that we are helpless or who are we to think that we can make a difference...the truth is that we can.  I was at Starbucks yesterday and that song came on "Lean on me, when you're not strong.  I'll be your friend...We all need somebody to lean on."  This morning I needed a friend and not only was the Lord with me, he provided my Victor, who is always there...to let me cry all I wanted to, until it was all out and I felt so much better.  I hope that one day I can look back on these kiddos and see that God let me be their friend.  That he let me be someone they could lean on and that when they cried for help, I listened.  I want to be there for them when it was yesterday and they can now move on to tomorrow.